The latest aha moment.

Sunday morning about 4 o’clock I was having morning prayer time and singing. The song that I sang was a repetitive line, “you are the most high God “it was a worship song that we sang a couple of weeks before at the Aruba worship experience at the fairgrounds , that was a pretty incredible evening. The music and the worship was unlike anything that we experience at church or even at home. The majority of the worship team was from Kenya and much of the music was in Swahili with English in parentheses ….and, there was a great deal of movement and dancing. it was phenomenal. “You aere the most high God “ is a song that produced dancing, and worship and shouts of joy not only on the stage, but also in those of us watching. 

Sunday morning that’s what I was singing when I woke up, and I continued singing it as I went to prayer. I was overwhelmed with a glimpse that I’ve never had before of how great, how big, how huge God is…..he’s the creator of the universe. He calms the raging sea. He keeps the planets in their order. We have no way to comprehend what all he does, but there he was, revealing more of himself to me on a deeper level than I’ve ever experienced. he was showing me his power,  his authority, his omniscience, his love. It was an experience that left me weak, almost too much to handle at that moment.

I left for church, reeling from all he had shown me to me, and I listened to  part of a sermon on the radio that talked about Abba, father. Daddy. He took those words and showed me who he was, and who I am in him. I saw myself as an infant in his arms, and I experienced such love and caring. I felt totally known and accepted. I felt protected, nurtured, and loved with a fierce, jealous passion. 

The God of the universe loves me beyond measure, I am his child, his daughter, and he wants nothing but the bestfor me. His love is pure and above any other, it is unending, unchanging and undeserved

I remain overcome with emotion, I continue to be humbled. I weep trying to comprehend the depth of what he is trying to tell me.  

Little did we know…..

We have done surprisingly well, you and I. The odds were against us, but much of the disfunction and craziness we lived with served to make us stronger and better, instead of confused, passive, and bitter.  It all seemed normal to us back then. We were exposed to Narcissism, alcoholism, depression, mania, codependency, anxiety, brutality, as well as other negative emotions and behaviors throughout our childhood, never questioning whether or not these were normal experiences. 

We each have memories that probably differ as much from reality as from each others. They shape us and give us a framework from which we view and interact with the world. Love, trust, bonding, helping….who and what we value and pray for…..how we live and give and serve.  We are kind and generous people. Somewhere along the rocky road of life we learned to care for others. We are compassionate, spiritual, humorous, honest, and wise. 

We have weathered storms of such magnitude, no one including ourselves thought we were able to survive them. We have been knocked down and around, but continue to Rise up each time and find strength for another day. We still have Hope. There are times when each of us would like to quit, but we don’t … 

We are not the little children in so many of the photos I looked at yesterday….they lived in a fairytale world that eventually shattered.  But there was (and is)an inner strength  that is capable of slaying any of the giants that try to steal who we have become. We are conquerers…..

Laughing like I used to

It is my brothers birthday today. I called him this morning to wish him a happy day knowing that it is anything but happy. His only son died a few short weeks ago. So this day is one of many special days in his life that will be the “firsts”.   Birthdays, Christmas, easter, Fourth of July, anniversaries….all the special days that families celebrate together, will have a huge gaping hole in the festivities from this point on for my brother and his family.

I know this only too well myself, having gone through the trauma of the death of a child. Holidays are never the same again. In fact, some people choose not to celebrate them at all anymore because the pain is so great. In this house It’s important to acknowledge the day and have some sort of celebration, something small, something memorable, something that makes new memories or new traditions. Something that can bring a little joy into our hearts. It’s too soon to talk to my brother about these things though, but it makes me pause to think about my own grief process, and the path that I have journeyed and continue to walk.  Being able to find joy is essential, being able to laugh again is so important.  unfortunately, if one is new in grief, Laughter feels wrong, it produces guilt and sadness. It’s important to work past that and take the steps necessary to feel joy.

So today, I wished him a happy birthday. I talked about my plans for the day and about my son, who is in the last stages of his life, waiting to graduate to heaven, surrounded by all of us here at home. I told my brother how I prayed for time to accept this inevitable loss and now that I had been given the time  I wanted to amend that prayer, recognizing that it was a mistake and very selfish on my part to ask for a postponement of the hope of heaven for my son.

Our conversation was shorter than usual, it was merely to wish him a happy birthday, but we got onto a couple of subjects, and I talked about the dog going to the vet to be neutered and about issues here at home and we were able to laugh at some of the things I said. The conversation put a smile on my face for the remainder of the day in spite of the fact that I have some hard things going on here at home and that my brother also is dealing with some very difficult emotions.

I got an email later from him that asked me to write down some of the things we had talked about because they were funny, and thanking me for making him “laugh like he used to”. 

I want nothing more for my brother on his birthday than to “laugh like he used to”. It does not mean moving on and forgetting the loss. On the contrary, it means incorporating it as you move forward and making it meaningful and finding joy in life. It means finding purpose through grief and loss. it means finding  laughter in spite of the tears. 

And so…..Happy Birthday, dear brother, may you laugh like you used to.