It is my brothers birthday today. I called him this morning to wish him a happy day knowing that it is anything but happy. His only son died a few short weeks ago. So this day is one of many special days in his life that will be the “firsts”. Birthdays, Christmas, easter, Fourth of July, anniversaries….all the special days that families celebrate together, will have a huge gaping hole in the festivities from this point on for my brother and his family.
I know this only too well myself, having gone through the trauma of the death of a child. Holidays are never the same again. In fact, some people choose not to celebrate them at all anymore because the pain is so great. In this house It’s important to acknowledge the day and have some sort of celebration, something small, something memorable, something that makes new memories or new traditions. Something that can bring a little joy into our hearts. It’s too soon to talk to my brother about these things though, but it makes me pause to think about my own grief process, and the path that I have journeyed and continue to walk. Being able to find joy is essential, being able to laugh again is so important. unfortunately, if one is new in grief, Laughter feels wrong, it produces guilt and sadness. It’s important to work past that and take the steps necessary to feel joy.
So today, I wished him a happy birthday. I talked about my plans for the day and about my son, who is in the last stages of his life, waiting to graduate to heaven, surrounded by all of us here at home. I told my brother how I prayed for time to accept this inevitable loss and now that I had been given the time I wanted to amend that prayer, recognizing that it was a mistake and very selfish on my part to ask for a postponement of the hope of heaven for my son.
Our conversation was shorter than usual, it was merely to wish him a happy birthday, but we got onto a couple of subjects, and I talked about the dog going to the vet to be neutered and about issues here at home and we were able to laugh at some of the things I said. The conversation put a smile on my face for the remainder of the day in spite of the fact that I have some hard things going on here at home and that my brother also is dealing with some very difficult emotions.
I got an email later from him that asked me to write down some of the things we had talked about because they were funny, and thanking me for making him “laugh like he used to”.
I want nothing more for my brother on his birthday than to “laugh like he used to”. It does not mean moving on and forgetting the loss. On the contrary, it means incorporating it as you move forward and making it meaningful and finding joy in life. It means finding purpose through grief and loss. it means finding laughter in spite of the tears.
And so…..Happy Birthday, dear brother, may you laugh like you used to.
2 comments:
It's your nephew and your loss too. When I was in this place 10 years ago, it helped me, as i help my brother grieve his loss. Your words, 'find joy', struck me. The loss of a loved one is devastating but we can find joy - for me it was 'knowing' that my niece was in Heaven. That I would see her again. Picturing her running streets of gold and having a peace that I can not comprehend brought me peace.
My brother has not yet found that peace because he doesn't know Jesus as his Savior yet. So, I keep praying and keep thinking of her in Heaven with all hose others I love who are there.
That is absolutely beautiful. The description you gave of grief and trying to find joy is spot on. I lost my baby brother on my 17th birthday. It was so heartbreaking for me as a young teen to experience such a castrophic loss. Our mother had passed when he was 4 and I was 8. Never did I think anything could be more painful than losing my motherless baby brother who often looked at me like his mom. Not a coincidence that today is his birthday. He would have been 54. He accepted Christ as his savior exactly one week before the tragic accident in desert that took away his mischievous little light. It still breaks my heart to this day even though I know that the hands that hold Him are the only one with scars. I didn’t know how I would make it through the rest of my birthdays until my eldest son had to deal with the same pain. his baby brother by 11 months was suddenly taken HOME, his real home with Jesus by mistakes made by a hospital two days after his 20th birthday and two days before Erik’s 21st birthday. Erik had celebrated ALL of his birthdays with his little brother, Justin, as Justin was born 2 days prior to Erik’s first birthday. It was so devastating to me as a mother, to realize I wouldn’t see my beautiful Justin’s face on this planet ever again, but to watch Erik walk around in Justin’s hospital gown, sleeping in Justin’s bed for days, just cracked my heart wide open. Death and grief have really caused havoc in our happy, although like many others dysfunctional family. I honestly don’t know if I can ever laugh like I used to on this planet, but I do have joy in knowing that I will laugh and sing and worship an awesome God with my sweet boys, again someday. I carry around a deep sadness and wounded heart, but the joy is there, counting on the love of my hero and Savior, Justin was saved and baptized at about 15 years old. Jesus, made sure Bradley Paul was saved before He took him home. Happy Birthday Bradley. Thank you Jesus. You know our pain and you have conquered the biggest cause of it.
God Bless you Dear Jana, for sacrificing and giving so much love and care to many that may have not had it if not for your great love, even knowing you would suffer so much heartache when God decided to take these precious souls back.
And God Bless you for helping us remember there is joy in the morning!
God created people like you to remind us of His never ending love and grace!
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