It is my brothers birthday today. I called him this morning to wish him a happy day knowing that it is anything but happy. His only son died a few short weeks ago. So this day is one of many special days in his life that will be the “firsts”. Birthdays, Christmas, easter, Fourth of July, anniversaries….all the special days that families celebrate together, will have a huge gaping hole in the festivities from this point on for my brother and his family.
I know this only too well myself, having gone through the trauma of the death of a child. Holidays are never the same again. In fact, some people choose not to celebrate them at all anymore because the pain is so great. In this house It’s important to acknowledge the day and have some sort of celebration, something small, something memorable, something that makes new memories or new traditions. Something that can bring a little joy into our hearts. It’s too soon to talk to my brother about these things though, but it makes me pause to think about my own grief process, and the path that I have journeyed and continue to walk. Being able to find joy is essential, being able to laugh again is so important. unfortunately, if one is new in grief, Laughter feels wrong, it produces guilt and sadness. It’s important to work past that and take the steps necessary to feel joy.
So today, I wished him a happy birthday. I talked about my plans for the day and about my son, who is in the last stages of his life, waiting to graduate to heaven, surrounded by all of us here at home. I told my brother how I prayed for time to accept this inevitable loss and now that I had been given the time I wanted to amend that prayer, recognizing that it was a mistake and very selfish on my part to ask for a postponement of the hope of heaven for my son.
Our conversation was shorter than usual, it was merely to wish him a happy birthday, but we got onto a couple of subjects, and I talked about the dog going to the vet to be neutered and about issues here at home and we were able to laugh at some of the things I said. The conversation put a smile on my face for the remainder of the day in spite of the fact that I have some hard things going on here at home and that my brother also is dealing with some very difficult emotions.
I got an email later from him that asked me to write down some of the things we had talked about because they were funny, and thanking me for making him “laugh like he used to”.
I want nothing more for my brother on his birthday than to “laugh like he used to”. It does not mean moving on and forgetting the loss. On the contrary, it means incorporating it as you move forward and making it meaningful and finding joy in life. It means finding purpose through grief and loss. it means finding laughter in spite of the tears.
And so…..Happy Birthday, dear brother, may you laugh like you used to.
