I look out of the picture window
To the pasture
Where seven horses
And a mule
Grazed and played
And brought me happiness
They are gone now
so is the husband
Who would go out
in the cold and the dark
To feed them
And break the ice
on the water tank
I miss him too
A friend celebrated her eighteenth birthday of her sobriety yesterday Congratulations were in order. With just a quiet recognition of eighteenth years of life one day at a time. Six thousand,five hundred and seventy days that ran the gamut of highs and lows, memorable and dull. Just a few months ago, she was widowed. She stayed sober. The losses, the experiences, the emotions of the last eighteen years will serve to reach out to others who come up behind her. She will be able to infuse other women with her own experience, strength, and hope….and in doing so, complete the circle.
My prayer is that my journey of sobriety can shine a light on the path for her and other women that need a friend, a mentor, a sponsor. It is still a day at a time, and a total reliance on Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior….who’s light keeps me from stumbling.
Sunday morning about 4 o’clock I was having morning prayer time and singing. The song that I sang was a repetitive line, “you are the most high God “it was a worship song that we sang a couple of weeks before at the Aruba worship experience at the fairgrounds , that was a pretty incredible evening. The music and the worship was unlike anything that we experience at church or even at home. The majority of the worship team was from Kenya and much of the music was in Swahili with English in parentheses ….and, there was a great deal of movement and dancing. it was phenomenal. “You aere the most high God “ is a song that produced dancing, and worship and shouts of joy not only on the stage, but also in those of us watching.
Sunday morning that’s what I was singing when I woke up, and I continued singing it as I went to prayer. I was overwhelmed with a glimpse that I’ve never had before of how great, how big, how huge God is…..he’s the creator of the universe. He calms the raging sea. He keeps the planets in their order. We have no way to comprehend what all he does, but there he was, revealing more of himself to me on a deeper level than I’ve ever experienced. he was showing me his power, his authority, his omniscience, his love. It was an experience that left me weak, almost too much to handle at that moment.
I left for church, reeling from all he had shown me to me, and I listened to part of a sermon on the radio that talked about Abba, father. Daddy. He took those words and showed me who he was, and who I am in him. I saw myself as an infant in his arms, and I experienced such love and caring. I felt totally known and accepted. I felt protected, nurtured, and loved with a fierce, jealous passion.
The God of the universe loves me beyond measure, I am his child, his daughter, and he wants nothing but the bestfor me. His love is pure and above any other, it is unending, unchanging and undeserved
I remain overcome with emotion, I continue to be humbled. I weep trying to comprehend the depth of what he is trying to tell me.
We each have memories that probably differ as much from reality as from each others. They shape us and give us a framework from which we view and interact with the world. Love, trust, bonding, helping….who and what we value and pray for…..how we live and give and serve. We are kind and generous people. Somewhere along the rocky road of life we learned to care for others. We are compassionate, spiritual, humorous, honest, and wise.
We have weathered storms of such magnitude, no one including ourselves thought we were able to survive them. We have been knocked down and around, but continue to Rise up each time and find strength for another day. We still have Hope. There are times when each of us would like to quit, but we don’t …
We are not the little children in so many of the photos I looked at yesterday….they lived in a fairytale world that eventually shattered. But there was (and is)an inner strength that is capable of slaying any of the giants that try to steal who we have become. We are conquerers…..
It is my brothers birthday today. I called him this morning to wish him a happy day knowing that it is anything but happy. His only son died a few short weeks ago. So this day is one of many special days in his life that will be the “firsts”. Birthdays, Christmas, easter, Fourth of July, anniversaries….all the special days that families celebrate together, will have a huge gaping hole in the festivities from this point on for my brother and his family.
I know this only too well myself, having gone through the trauma of the death of a child. Holidays are never the same again. In fact, some people choose not to celebrate them at all anymore because the pain is so great. In this house It’s important to acknowledge the day and have some sort of celebration, something small, something memorable, something that makes new memories or new traditions. Something that can bring a little joy into our hearts. It’s too soon to talk to my brother about these things though, but it makes me pause to think about my own grief process, and the path that I have journeyed and continue to walk. Being able to find joy is essential, being able to laugh again is so important. unfortunately, if one is new in grief, Laughter feels wrong, it produces guilt and sadness. It’s important to work past that and take the steps necessary to feel joy.
So today, I wished him a happy birthday. I talked about my plans for the day and about my son, who is in the last stages of his life, waiting to graduate to heaven, surrounded by all of us here at home. I told my brother how I prayed for time to accept this inevitable loss and now that I had been given the time I wanted to amend that prayer, recognizing that it was a mistake and very selfish on my part to ask for a postponement of the hope of heaven for my son.
Our conversation was shorter than usual, it was merely to wish him a happy birthday, but we got onto a couple of subjects, and I talked about the dog going to the vet to be neutered and about issues here at home and we were able to laugh at some of the things I said. The conversation put a smile on my face for the remainder of the day in spite of the fact that I have some hard things going on here at home and that my brother also is dealing with some very difficult emotions.
I got an email later from him that asked me to write down some of the things we had talked about because they were funny, and thanking me for making him “laugh like he used to”.
I want nothing more for my brother on his birthday than to “laugh like he used to”. It does not mean moving on and forgetting the loss. On the contrary, it means incorporating it as you move forward and making it meaningful and finding joy in life. It means finding purpose through grief and loss. it means finding laughter in spite of the tears.
And so…..Happy Birthday, dear brother, may you laugh like you used to.
Psalms 119:65-72 NIV
“Do good to your servant according to your word, Lord. Teach me knowledge and good judgment, for I trust your commands. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. Though the arrogant have smeared me with lies, I keep your precepts with all my heart. Their hearts are callous and unfeeling, but I delight in your law. It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.”
Ps 119 65-72. I'm really focused on these verses, realizing that I needed to come to a place where I was totally all In. I needed to accept the fact that as hard as I prayed and believed for healing, it didn't happen for a reason. The pain was still there day and night, mobility was so limited, even the simplest tasks became impossible. I continued to pray and receive prayer for healing, and all the while was being drawn closer to the Father. Bit by bit, distractions and idols were let go or were stripped away. I was overwhelmed with losses for a time. I had my Gasthemany moment, crying out to God, “Your will ,not mine….no matter what!” Then time and experiences to actually mean it. The pain and losses became a part of me, but not in a negative way, since the Lord was graciously holding all of my brokenness together, using this flawed vessel for His good and His glory. Without the afflictions, both physical and emotional, I would not, could not, be here now …. A disciple of Jesus, all in, ready to go where He sends me. At this point I am grateful for the affliction, for the pain, for where it has brought me. It has been an amazing lesson to ponder over the last several days. I am grateful for the gift of healing through Doctors and surgery. It seems God is providing this because I have grown and am committed to continue to grow. The pain and sorrow that I have experienced has brought me to the foot of the cross. I am grateful and will never stray again.
It began with an accidental run in with a gentleman pushing his Walmart cart into mine next to the cooler of frozen chicken breasts. We laughed and apologized, and because this is still a small town, we started a little conversation. I noted his Navy Vietnam Veteran ball cap, and thanked him for his service. He reminisced a bit about those years, which led into a discussion about the increasing cost of groceries and gas, and the store shelves becoming emptier every day. He is on a fixed income, concerned and frustrated. I mentioned that I was a “Bible Thumper” and that most of the events all over the world have been predicted in the Bible. I wanted to keep it light hearted, and told him I read the last chapters of the book….I know how it ends, and I’m not afraid! He was still listening, his shopping cart t-boned into mine, so I continued; “So, where are you with Jesus?” He shrugged, not sure. His daughter has been talking about salvation through Christ, but he has never done anything about it. We continued to chat for a few minutes, I asked him to take that step, pray that prayer, and that I wanted to see him in Heaven……perhaps sooner than any of us could imagine. We parted with a handshake and smiles, and I continued to shop for frozen chicken, praying for his salvation. It occurred to me right there that my prayer for boldness to speak out and share my faith had been answered! I had found my mission field….Walmart! And, so, Shopping Cart Evangelism was born.
In the late 1970’s, we met and became friends with Jack and Wendy Rawls. Their family and ours bonded over similar “Mother Earth News” lifestyles; gardens, goats, and chickens. We enjoyed our friendship, but I was hesitant because I had seen a bookshelf in their home full of bibles and religious books. I had made the comment that I hoped they didn’t lay that stuff on me! They never did. Instead, they lived the lives of Jesus followers in front of us and modeled the kind of life we desired. I remember telling Wendy that what ever it was, I wanted it. It was Jesus. Jack and Wendy were Bible school graduates, and had been able to study under some of the great teachers in the Pacific Northwest, including Joe Aldrich from Multnoma School of the Bible. He authored a book, “Lifestyle Evangelism” , which happened to be one of those books in their bookcase, and one they lived.
So, as I wander around Walmart with my shopping cart, exchanging smiles and small talk with other shoppers, it has become clear that I can share my life in a small way that might mean everything to someone. It has been wonderful. Little conversations about prices and no powered milk, lead to speaking the name of Jesus and His plan of salvation. My part is easy…..speak to the people God puts in my path. Actually, speak to the people God puts in the path of my shopping cart.
I have been fairly quiet since the resurrection of my Lord Jesus, but I feel it is time to share my story with you. The apostles have given so many details in their Accounts of what transpired and they are true to form and fact. All I can add is my personal story.
I met rabbi Yashua During the worst days of my life. I had been shunned in my village of Magdala by family and friends Because I had become oppressed by darkness. I did not know that I was possessed by demons…. not just one but many. I met Jesus as he was ministering in the Galilee, He immediately recognized my pain and knew that I needed deliverance. The apostles were there and watched as he delivered me from seven Devils. It was frightening and painful and I’m sure it was difficult for them to watch as well. All I could do was focus on the love I saw in the eyes of the man that was ministering to me. He was gentle and kind but fierce and strong as he drove seven demons away. Immediately, the darkness in my mind lifted. I was able to see and think clearly and I knew that was that I had been delivered from all that evil. I fell at his feet and worshiped him. From that day on I was one of the many that traveled with him, serving him, worshiping him, and Learning everything that he was teaching us. Every day was a new experience and a new lesson. He spoke of love, grace and forgiveness. They were such light in his presence. I could not bear to be away from him. The crowd around him continue to grow, but there was a small band of us who were close to him and to each other, the apostles especially Peter James and John, his mother Mary, sometimes the other Mary and Martha her sister, and the rest of the entourage Who sat under his teaching. With the other women, we cooked and washed, we tried to make life easier for our rabbi, our teacher. He gave so much of himself, and was so full of love for each and every person around him, no matter who they were or where they came from or their social status. We could not Outgive him, We could not repay him for all he had done In each of our lives. We talked among ourselves, expressing the fact that we were new creatures, we were different than we had been. I, certainly ,was so transformed, my family and friends did not even recognize me.
Jesus was never afraid when the rulers and religious leaders began to turn against him. He told us things that we did not understand at the time, but we came to realize he was warning us of his death. And as you have read, the apostles spelled out very clearly how awful that night was. He went off with them to the garden to pray. I remained back with the other women, But heard the commotion when they came and arrested him. We followed behind and stayed in the dark recesses of the buildings and watched as the night progressed. I saw him beaten And Mocked and ridiculed. The Romans are so cruel. I wanted to stop them I wanted to say something, but knew that I would be taking my own life in my hands in doing so. We stayed in the darkness and cried together. We walked along side in the crowd along Via Dolorosa as he staggered to Golgotha, Crowds had gathered so we didn’t have to hide at that point. But we were frightened and we were grieving. I stood with Mary and was John as we clung together at the foot of the cross and watched our beloved Jesus suffer and die. This was the worst day of my life. But he continued to show love and mercy and forgiveness as he hung there. It was unbelievable, but when he could open his eyes and look at us we saw pure love radiating out from him. He spoke to Mary, his mother and to John who was his favorite. He looked at me, and no words were necessary. I felt his love.
After he died it was important that we retrieved the body and start the process of embalming. It was almost sunset and it was Sabbath. Joseph offered his tomb and it was close by. The Roman guard allowed us to remove the body and we carried him to the tomb and began to start the process of burial. We had to leave by sunset, and the Romans rolled the heavy large stone in front of the door of the cave that was the tomb of my Lord. The world seem cold and dark, and we all felt lost. All we had was each other, and we were afraid, and we were alone, and all Our hopes were shattered
We remained cloistered , it was difficult to eat or drink, to speak or to sing or just celebrate Sabbath.
Early Sunday morning we were freed from the Sabbath restrictions and I with two other women hurried to the tomb to see if we could finish the burial dressings. From a distance I could see that the stone had been moved and I ran ahead and went into the tomb and found the wrapping cloth lying on the chiseled out bed, empty. The other women came and we were confused and we were frightened and angry that they had stolen his body. I thought the gardener was there, but he was not. I was Overcome with grief upon grief. Suddenly he spoke to me, asking why I was crying, I did not know how the stone could’ve been moved, I didn’t know where they took him. And he spoke my name,….. it was my lord, my master. I Fell at his feet and tried to embrace him, But he denied me that privilege saying it wasn’t time. I couldn’t understand what he meant. I was overcome with joy though that he stood in front of me. I immediately ran to tell Peter and John what happened, And of course they didn’t believe me At first. But eventually they did, they all did and they all got to see Jesus and we all spent time together for the next 40 days. I watched from a distance as he rose into the heavens. I had heard him tell the men that he would return For us. In the meantime he wanted us to continue with what we had learned and seen While we Traveled with him. He told us that another would come to take his place and to help us.
Days later, as Luke has told you, we were all still waiting in that upper room,Praying and singing when suddenly fire fell And touched the heads of everyone there. What a magnificent sight that was! Our prayers became emboldened and we were praying in other languages and our worship became louder and crowds gathered outside. Peter went out and spoke to the crowd to tell them of Jesus and the resurrection and the life that he has promised us if we follow him. People wanted to Receive the faith that we had, And many heard the truth and Believed it. They were baptized right then and there. this continued Every day and we brought many into the fold. I was busy preparing food and tending to children and The elderly and Infirm. It was a time that I will always remember that was full of joy and hard work as we waited for Jesus to return.
Life is much quieter now. I still care for widows and children here in Magdala, but it is a slower pace. The apostles have all gone in different directions, a few have met their death, but all of us continue to tell of Jesus, Of his life and death, of his resurrection, of his miracles and signs and wonders. We will tell the story to anyone and everyone until the day he returns.
b
Some days more than others…..but, I miss her every day
I miss you, Mom
I miss your smile
I wish we could sit and
Talk for a while
I want to share my day with you
The little things I say and do
To talk about the sun or rain
Or share the smallest joy or pain
I know you're watching over me
You see much more than I can see
I listen for your voice at night
Telling me that it's alright
I want to hold your hand in mine
And for a while turn back the time
I want to see your face once more
Standing in that open door
I hope you know how much I care
How much I miss you being there
To comfort me, to calm my fears
To share a laugh or wipe my tears
The day will come, I have to wait
We'll reunite at Heaven's Gate
Until it's time for me to go
I love you, Mom, more than you know
A soft, loving voice; giving me an option, a choice. NO, Lord! I cried, feeling frightened and selfish. And I continue to hear that voice and all I can do is respond to God like Ezekiel did, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know!” Of course, I don’t want to lose her.....especially so soon after Losing Kristina. But, that is the earthbound me, the self centered me talking. I want what is best for her, I want God’s best for her. Watching this unfold....modern medicine at it’s finest, the machines and the people that fill this room , all trying to heal her, to make this awfulness go away, I realize there is nothing greater, stronger, or more powerful than the healing power of our God. She is in the palm of His hand, wrapped in His love, surrounded by His grace and mercy. He alone is in charge and in control. All I need to do is rest in that knowledge and apply what l learned the last time I stood facing a similar giant.
Your will not mine, Father.......No matter what.
